“Away, I’d rather sail away
Like a swan that’s here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
It’s saddest sound”
“El Condor Pasa (If I could)”
Sunday was 2 years. The longest, the slowest, the most horrible two years of my life. Of all the things I always felt was so wrong with my life… the things I thought I was missing out on. The life I thought I should have been leading… none of that loss or longing even compares to what I feel now. The emptiness, loneliness. The lack of feelings. Nothing really matters anymore. I have learned to fake life much better. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or believes. They never cared and never will care so what does it matter if I am fake… plaster on a smile so they think that I am like them. Uncaring. It’s what I have found about the people that I work with. They act like they do care but I know better. I know a few of them do really care but I also just how real I can be with them. I know what I can and can’t say. I still have a wall up. A wall I will never take down or will allow to be torn down. I don’t trust anyone at this point. I have myself. I have my brother to take care of. I no longer care that someone can’t understand how I grieve or why I can’t watch TV or movies or listen to music. I don’t care that they don’t understand. I know why and I know how important my mom is to me and that is all that matters. It’s my loss, not theirs. I honestly feel sorry for them. They apparently don’t care that much for anyone to even begin to understand. Even before I lost my mom, I knew. I knew it would be indelible and when people around me lost someone, I was able to empathize… because I knew what would happen when I lost my best friend. I would be bereft. Lost. I knew I would have to do something as drastic as hike the Pacific Crest Trail. I still wish I could just walk away and do that. I want to go hike that trail, live off as little as possible. Live with nature. Be with myself. With God, or whatever is in charge. Be… with my mom. To be away from all the fakeness of this world. The people that I am surrounded by. My eyes are truly open to those around me and I have also learned that It is truly the kindness of strangers that has helped me the most. Maybe it’s because they aren’t here to deal with me on a daily basis and they can say the things I need to hear without the responsibility of it all… I guess it doesn’t matter because maybe that is exactly why it helps. Because I know, I don’t have the responsibility to those strangers to be whoever they think I should be. The people I work with… the only people really in my life other than my brother and cats and sisters… who aren’t even here… they have this idea of me. The person I used to be. I’ll give them bits of that… For my survival. I know it sounds like I stuck on this. Honestly, it’s just freeing, knowing the truth about those people. I guess it is true, that you have to watch out for yourself. Survival of the fittest. El Condor Pasa… If I could. If I could.
~Ann